Putting in the Work
We’re lucky if we have some friends where the relationship comes easily. When you see that person, it’s like an instant connection. But most of the time, that’s not how it goes. Most relationships take a bit of work. You have to reach out, make plans, and invest some time and energy. But when you do, it’s worth it.
Relationships are a bit like exercise. Sometimes the hardest part is just getting started. But afterwards, you feel really good. That’s when you say to yourself, “I’m so glad I did that.”
On the flip side, it can also take a lot of work to set boundaries. You might find that what you actually need is more room to breathe. It takes effort to say “no” when you have too many friends, family commitments, work, and social obligations. This is especially true during the Holidays. But that, too, is worth it. When you give yourself the space you need, you’ll look forward to social engagements and not see them as a chore.
Anyone Can Learn Relationship Skills
Making and maintaining emotional connections can be especially hard for men. Of course, this is a generalization. But it’s still the case that women and girls tend to socialize from an early age. Men are often less skilled at socialization outside of work.
Caregiving can make a person feel isolated. That’s bad. But the good news is that anyone can learn to connect. Start right where you are and give it a try. Success comes with practice.
These days, I make a special effort to reach out to at least one friend each week, and it pays off. About three years ago, I reconnected with my high school best friend, Ken, at our reunion. Even though we hadn’t seen each other in decades, we picked up right where we had left off. Now we’re best buds again -- we’re even planning a trip together! Another friend, Randy, I’ve known for decades. These days we only chat once or twice a year, but it’s enough. He catches me up on his life; I tell him about mine. All we need to stay friends is that mini-connection.
Warmest Aloha,
PS: I say it over and over again: There's no one more important than the caregiver in the daily life of a frail person.
I never thought about it like that but you’re right, relationships are like exercise. A good reminder that the hard work I spend on my friendships are worth it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and tips on connections. I do tend to overextend myself, and will try to be more mindful in the new year.
How fun to reconnect and now to be going on a trip with your best friend from high school! Makes me smile with joy for you.
Happy New Year Dr. Warren—thank you for your helpful videos.